Week 10: Holding On
Many of us were already stressed, tired, and worn before the global health crisis landed. Some of us were already worried about our finances, already feeling isolated at home with our children, already sick. We were already womxn existing in a system designed to leave us out. The order, need, and choice to stay home only compounded the burdens we already bore. Now we are here: inside our bodies, inside our homes, carrying the same things we held before.
Curated by Pam Marlene Taylor and Kaylan Buteyn.
Click photos below to see more detail.
What were you already carrying and how has quarantine affected it?
Beth Welch: I was carrying the burden of motherhood, working full time, and being an artist. Quarantine has affected my life in all of these areas. It has prevented me from seeing my mother, because she is in a nursing home. The lock down has required me to work at home with a job that is very difficult to do virtually. It has been emotionally exhausting, and raising a two year old alone at home while my husband works has been one of the most trying things I have ever done in my life. This week has been my first week back at the office, which comes with its own ups and downs. I am thrilled to be back at work, however, this shift in schedule has drastically changed my son’s attitude when he is home. He mostly expresses this change by screaming and whining throughout the two hours I get to see him at night before he sleeps. I am hoping that things will settle back down soon. I am not writing very eloquently right now and I might change this answer later. I just haven’t been this exhausted since my baby was a newborn.
Courtney Adair Johnson: OMG, what a question! I juggle a lot, as most of us do. I am a single mom of a special needs child under 2, gallery director, artist, co-builder of a residency, friend. Carrying sounds so heavy. We carry our children. I definitely carry mine, and their weight and body are different than a typical. That is interesting to move through and learn to release in a multitude of different ways. I do love the slowing down, and ability to simplify that this time offers. I am able to lay things down and let what is most important rise to the top. We dance a lot, that lightens the load.
Lauren Frances Evans: Something I’ve been learning about myself is that I carry around with me the weight of responsibility. I often feel responsible for matters that are far beyond my control, and this is something I’m working on. I’m comfortable with ambiguity, but I like to feel in control. All the uncertainty surrounding our current situation has definitely thwarted that sense, in many ways. I now have the additional responsibility of caring for my daughter (who is typically in full-time childcare) all day while also carrying the responsibilities of my full-time job and my work as an artist. The push and pull of attachment/separation is stronger than ever right now in quarantine, as I crave that independence with such intensity, but meanwhile am unable to have any physical distance from my child for the foreseeable future. Talk about entanglement!
Wojciech S. Beria: I only need a few people to be happy. The rest is just for applause or adoration.
Stacy Isenbarger: I’ve been gifted the soothing balm of sabbatical since January. My academic burnout was sure to be healed and my studio approached refreshed, lighter… I was going to find a renewed sense of creative flow. In some ways this balm has worked (missing this semester’s stressors seems like a victory in professor land) but my productivity skin still feels like its crawling. My perception of the ideal studio time is in tension; my crafting energies seem misplaced. Instead of letting myself just dive into my creative freedom, I feel like I have to work to stay grounded by checking off trivial tasks from my to-do list instead.
Megan Driving Hawk: Just before the quarantine, I became a new mother. My son was born in February 2020. Since then I have been holding the weight of postpartum care. In addition to all the feels and responsibilities that come with being a new mother and breastfeeding, I’ve been healing a second-degree tear from birth. After lots of back and forth of being told I did and then didn’t need surgery, I had a perineal repair 6 weeks postpartum. I’m now 3.5 months postpartum and still healing from that surgery. The quality of postpartum care is very little to nothing even before the pandemic. The quarantine has intensified this for me and other new mother’s as well.
Lee Nowell-Wilson: As at a stay at home artist/mother, the load that all parents are now dealing with - that being the balance of working from home while your children are also at home, constantly being interrupted due to your young children not fully understanding home oriented boundaries, and trying to mentally and emotionally compartmentalize your domestic labor from your artistic labor - was already a part of my daily life. It feels dramatic to say “quarantine life” was already my everyday life, but in a sense, it was. The main difference between now and then is no longer having the outside world as our escape from homebound craziness; cafes that acted like mini playdates, playgrounds that felt new every time to 3 year old eyes, or grocery store runs that I turned into all day affairs. Those were the things that kept studio time “fresh” for my two permanent studio-buddies. Now, housebound crazy is truly the new normal.
Sarah Meyers Brent: I was carrying the weight of being a mother to two young boys, but being quarantined has heightened the craziness! I have long been making pieces using the excess of stuff of motherhood. The quarantine has heightened my desire to create sculptures that arrange the mess into painterly “works of art.” Making these sculptures has become a way of holding on to my sanity during this stretch of this time.
Jessica Valderrama: I had been at home caring for my young daughter for over two years when we decided to try daycare. She was there for less than three weeks. I had a very brief taste of being able to find a quiet space, my voice in my head, to set dreams and goals in motion before the schools were closed and shelter in place was ordered. We had finally adjusted to our new schedule and time apart. And even though I knew it was for the best, I couldn't help but feel a little bitter, heartbroken about having to be her full time care-giver again. I also had to process what was happening around us and mourn the dreams I had for her and my future, separate or together. I still am.